Managing Triggers While Healing from Trauma

In 12 days, it will be my abuser’s birthday. It's hard to believe it’s been this long, but even harder to process the fact that he’s been in a relationship with his new girlfriend for two years now. Sometimes, I find myself wondering why I received the treatment I did—why I was hurt, manipulated, and discarded—while she seems to get this version of him that feels like an entirely different person. Why was I the one who had to endure the pain? Why was I the one who ended up alone, while she gets to live in a world where he’s completely different?

The truth is, there’s no simple answer, and I’m learning that I don’t need to have one. I know I didn’t deserve what happened, and I am not defined by someone else’s actions. But it doesn’t make it any easier when I’m confronted with reminders of what happened, especially when I see him moving on while I’m still working through the emotions he left behind.

The triggers are real. His birthday is coming up, and it’s hard not to feel like I’m being pulled back into the past. When I see him with her, it takes me back to that time when I felt small, powerless, and insignificant. It’s like I’m reliving those moments all over again—feeling like my suffering didn’t matter like I didn’t matter.

But here’s what I’ve learned: those triggers don’t have to control me. I can manage them. It’s not easy, and it doesn’t happen overnight, but with time, I’ve found ways to cope and move through those moments when everything feels overwhelming.

Understanding and Recognizing Triggers

The first step in managing triggers is recognizing them. Triggers are things that bring us back to painful experiences, whether it’s a memory, a situation, or a person. According to trauma expert Judith Herman (1992), just recognizing these triggers is an important first step in recovery. Once I can identify them, I know I’m not facing them alone or out of the blue. They are part of the healing process.

One of the most helpful techniques for me is grounding exercises. When I feel like I’m being flooded with emotions, I focus on the present. One easy grounding method is the 4-4-4 breathing exercise. I breathe in for four counts, hold for four, and exhale for four. This not only calms my nervous system but also brings my focus back to the here and now, rather than the past. Research supports this—grounding techniques like these are often used in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to reduce emotional distress and help people gain control over their reactions (Beck, 2011).

Mindfulness and Acceptance

Another tool I rely on is mindfulness. Mindfulness is all about being present with your emotions without judgment. It’s easy to get lost in the overwhelming feelings that come with trauma, but mindfulness teaches me to accept those feelings instead of trying to push them away. I remind myself that just because I feel triggered doesn’t mean I’m back in that old situation. I am safe now, and I don’t have to let those feelings define me.

Mindfulness can help reduce emotional reactivity and make it easier to handle triggers when they come up. Studies have shown that people who practice mindfulness regularly are better at managing distressing emotions (Kimbrough et al., 2010). For me, it’s been a way to gain some emotional distance from the past, even in moments when I feel like I’m drowning in it.

Self-Compassion in the Healing Process

I’ve also learned the importance of self-compassion. In the past, when I felt triggered, I used to criticize myself—telling myself I should be stronger, that I should be over it by now. But healing isn’t linear, and trauma doesn’t just “go away” with time. I’m learning that it’s okay to have these feelings and that it doesn’t make me weak or broken. In fact, being kind to myself has been shown to speed up recovery from trauma (Neff, 2011). So now, when the triggers come, I try to treat myself the way I would treat a close friend who is struggling. With care, patience, and understanding.

Building Resilience

Healing is a long process, and I’ve had to remind myself that it’s okay to take it slow. Not every day will be easy, and that’s part of it. But I know that by using these strategies—grounding, mindfulness, and self-compassion—I’m building emotional resilience. Over time, I’m getting better at not letting my triggers control me. They don’t define me. I do.

---

References:

• Beck, A. T. (2011). Cognitive therapy: Basics and beyond. The Guilford Press. Link to resource
• Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence—From domestic abuse to political terror. Basic Books. Link to resource
• Kimbrough, E., Lanza, M., & Weiner, D. (2010). Mindfulness intervention for trauma: A pilot study of a brief, trauma-focused mindfulness program for military personnel. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 66(6), 576-587. Link to study
• Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow. Link to resource