Why Do I Miss My Abuser?

 When we experience trauma, the emotions we feel afterward can be complex and confusing. It’s common to grapple with feelings of attachment to someone who has hurt us. These feelings don’t erase the pain or injustice of what happened, but they are a part of the healing process—though it might be difficult to understand at first.

I may feel that I miss my abuser, not because I want them back in my life, but because part of me has become conditioned to their presence. It could be that the emotional manipulation, the highs and lows, created a pattern that my brain grew accustomed to, making it hard to break free from. These feelings might feel like love or attachment, but in reality, they are symptoms of a deeply harmful relationship.

It’s important to recognize that missing someone who has hurt you doesn’t mean you want to return to that pain. It’s a signal that there are unresolved emotions and that healing is still in progress. Acknowledging that these feelings exist is a necessary step in reclaiming my sense of self-worth, independence, and emotional health.

Understanding that this is part of trauma recovery allows me to begin the journey of truly moving on. I am not defined by the pain, nor am I obligated to feel guilt for experiencing complex emotions. I am human, and healing is not linear.

In my case, when the person I loved—the one I thought I would marry—became the one who hurt me, it shattered everything I believed about love, trust, and safety. I gave them my heart, and my trust, and I imagined a future together. But over time, they became someone I couldn’t recognize, someone who took advantage of me, someone who caused me deep pain. Even though I know what they did to me was wrong, and even though I know I deserve better, there are times when I still miss them.

I miss the version of them that I thought was capable of love. I miss the person I thought I knew, the one who made promises, the one I believed would be there for me. It’s hard to let go of the dream we once shared, especially when the relationship had so many highs and lows, leaving me confused about what was real and what was manipulation.

But in the midst of that, I cannot forget the truth: what they did to me was not love. It was control, it was harm, it was abuse. The kindness they showed was often followed by hurtful actions, and the sweet words were often laced with manipulation. I trusted them, and they took that trust and turned it into something that hurt me deeply.

I miss them, but it’s not them I miss. I miss the illusion of what I thought we could be. I miss the hope that was tied up in our future, a future that was never meant to be. Those memories of kindness and tenderness are now clouded by the reality of what they did. What I miss is the idea of being loved, not the abuse disguised as love.

It’s natural to feel conflicted after abuse. My emotions don’t make me weak or stupid. They make me human. And while I miss them, I know that I can never go back. They chose to hurt me, and in doing so, they lost their place in my life. The love I thought we shared was a lie, and I need to allow myself to grieve that loss, but also to let go of the dream of who I thought they were.

The journey of healing is complicated, and some days feel harder than others. But I’m slowly learning that missing someone doesn’t mean I want them back. It’s part of letting go of a past that wasn’t what I thought it was. Remember you and I deserve a love that’s safe, respectful, and free of pain. I deserve peace, and while it might take time, I am on the path to reclaiming that peace for myself.